The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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