He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
