My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
