my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
