I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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