R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize