I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
