After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
