my sisters under your porch take her home
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
