So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Your cock deserves a montage
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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