I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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