You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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