Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
