she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
