Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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