i think i have two assholes
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
