The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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