watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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