hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
