either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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