Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
