This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I need water and some morals
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
