Christians are straight up FREAKS
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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