we're chasing vodka with high fives
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
