I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
