i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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