I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
