allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
