She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
