Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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