Sober January is a disaster.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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