i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
