Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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