No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
