it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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