i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
