what day is it and did you see me today?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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