i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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