The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
