so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I want a musical about memes.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
