i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
