Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
