The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize