the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
its liver damage thursday
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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