woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
