Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
