Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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