My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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