Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
