now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
