they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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