allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
