She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
