please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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