Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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