Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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