If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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