you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize