where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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