you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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