I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
