im about as happy as oj after his trial
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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