Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There's always time for handjobs
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
