My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
