I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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